[LINK] JOHN HOWARD AND HELL.

[Jan Whitaker]

I couldn't keep this to myself.

>John Howard & Hell
>
>For your amusement
> >>
> >>       While on his morning walk, Prime Minister John Howard falls
> >>over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and
> >>emergency ward at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat
> >>him in time. So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint
> >>Peter at the Pearly Gates.
> >>       "Welcome to Heaven," says Saint Peter, "Before you settle
> >>in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Liberal around
> >>these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."
> >>
> >>       "No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a
> >>believer," says the PM.
> >>
> >>       "I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God
> >>Himself. He says that since the implementation of his new
> >>HEAVENCHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day
> >>in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."
> >>
> >>       "But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,"
> >>replies Howard.
> >>
> >>       "I'm sorry ... but we have our rules," Peter interjects.
> >>And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes
> >>down, down, down ... all the way to Hell.
> >>
> >>       The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush
> >>golf course.
> >>       The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a
> >>perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house.
> >>
> >>       Standing in front of it is Bob Menzies and thousands of
> >>other Liberals luminaries who had helped him out over the years ---
> >>Harold Holt, John Gorton, Bill McMahon, etc. The whole of the
> >>Liberal Party leaders were there ... everyone laughing, happy, and
> >>casually but expensively dressed.
> >>
> >>       They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the
> >>good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and
> >>peasants.' They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on
> >>lobster and caviar.
> >>
> >>       The Devil himself comes up to Howard with a frosty drink,
> >>"Have a tequila and relax, John!"
> >>
> >>       "Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge," says Howard,
> >>dejectedly.
> >>
> >>       "This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and
> >>not worry and it just gets better from there!"
> >>
> >>       Howard takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil,
> >>who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes
> >>like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the
> >>ones the Liberals pulled with the GST and the Free Trade Agreement
> >>promises.
> >>
> >>       They are having such a great time that, before he realises
> >>it, it's time to go.
> >>
> >>       Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Howard steps on
> >>the elevator and heads upward.
> >>
> >>       When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and
> >>Saint Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven,"
> >>the old man says, opening the gate.
> >>
> >>       So for 24 hours Howard is made to hang out with a bunch of
> >>honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk
> >>about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a
> >>nasty prank or short-arse joke among them.
> >>
> >>       No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes
> >>great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor.
> >>He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like
> >>someone special!
> >>
> >>       "Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself. "Bob Menzies never
> >>prepared me
> >>       for this!"
> >>
> >>       The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, "Well, you've
> >>spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want
> >>to live for eternity."
> >>
> >>       With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the
> >>background, Howard reflects for a minute ... then answers: "Well, I
> >>would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been
> >>delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my
> >>friends."
> >>
> >>       So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
> >>down, down, all the way to Hell.
> >>
> >>       The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a
> >>barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial
> >>wasteland, kind of like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected
> >>Australian outback.
> >>
> >>       He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags
> >>and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting
> >>it into black plastic bags.
> >>
> >>       They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black
> >>with grime.
> >>
> >>       The Devil comes over to Howard and puts an arm around his
> >>shoulder.  "I don't understand," stammers a shocked John,
> >>"Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house
> >>and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around
> >>and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage
> >>and everybody looks miserable!"
> >>
> >>       The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, "Yesterday
> >>we were campaigning; today you voted for us!"

Jan Whitaker
JLWhitaker Associates, Melbourne Victoria
jwhit at janwhitaker.com
business: http://www.janwhitaker.com
personal: http://www.janwhitaker.com/personal/
commentary: http://janwhitaker.com/jansblog/

'Seed planting is often the most important step. Without the seed, 
there is no plant.' - JW, April 2005
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