[LINK] New Year Weekend Magazine - For those contemplating New Year Resolutions.....

[Tom Koltai]

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is
this true?

A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it.... Don't waste on
exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speed up heart not make live
longer; that like say you can extend life of car by driving faster. Want
live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? 

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does cow eat? Hay and
corn. What are these? Vegetables. So, steak nothing more than efficient
mechanism of delivering vegetables to system. Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork
chop can give 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. 

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? 

A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That
means they take water out of fruity bit; get even more of goodness that
way. Beer also made out of grain.. Bottoms up! 

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? 

A: If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. If you have
two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc. 

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program? 

A: Cannot think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No Pain...Good! 

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? 

A: YOU NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods fried in vegetable oil. How getting
more vegetables be bad for you? 

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle? 

A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should
only do sit-ups if want bigger stomach. 

Q: Is chocolate bad for me? 

A: You crazy? HELLO. Cocoa beans! Vegetable!!! Cocoa beans best
feel-good food around! 

Q: Is swimming good for your figure? 

A: If swimming good for figure, explain whales to me. 

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? 

A: Hey! 'Round' is shape! 

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets. 

AND..... 

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on
nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those
conflicting nutritional studies: 

1. The Japanese eat very little fat 

And suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians. 

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat 

And suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians. 

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine 

And suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians. 

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine 

And suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians. 

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats 

And suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians. 

CONCLUSION 

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills
you.


(Hat-tip Laurence Strano).


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